There's something to be said about prayer and human commitment... when you ask for the right things, God really does give you what you ask for.. and more. But I also think that the devil knows that and fights to make you weaker.

Sometimes, during the day. I feel great. But then all of a sudden. At some random moment in time. either in the middle of an event, or when I get home ,or in the middle of a lecture... suddenly it's like the world drops away for a second. And then comes back. But it's like my spirit somehow got lost in that second. And I feel nothing.

*

Sometimes nothing is fine. Sometimes nothing is even good. At least it's better than horrible pain or anger or sorrow. But somehow, nothing is also terrible. Instead of searing pain. It's a cloying senselessness that calcifies you and eats away at your body at the same time.

Nothing, is empty. Empty now and empty tomorrow. Tomorrow either exists to be worse than the nothing, or it doesn't exist at all. Nothing, makes tomorrow seem impossible. You stay awake. Dreading the end of the day, because you know if the next day comes, you have to start all over again.

Nothing, is not seeing the glass half empty. Nor is it simply having an empty cup.  It feels like pouring out of a half empty cup and having the rest of the world expect more even when you tip the cup all the way upside down.

*

Lately, I've been happier. My cup is half full, sometimes it even overflows.... but I feel like it keeps getting smaller. Somehow it's shrinking. It overflows so much, but when the cup is tipped upside down, I pour out less and less every time. I lose fuel faster and faster like a dying battery. Sometimes I worry I'll eventually run out completely. And I won't even be empty, I'll just be nothing.

*

But then, sometimes I wonder if I'm supposed to be nothing. After all, if a clay jar filled with gold cracks. It reveals the gold inside. If my cup disappears, the water that filled it flows out freely...

Sigh... who knows.