These past few semesters God has really been putting me through the fire, my own personal hell it felt like. I lost my identity in Christ. And so He put me in front of a mirror and faced me with myself, showing me who I am without him. (Pslam 69.2 save me o God)  One by one God showed me how unimportant all of my goals were in comparison to His main goal for me.

Last December I went to a missions conference by obligation. I went to help my parents with registration and to visit my sister. I went with an empty mind and an empty heart, I felt stripped.  I felt like no one could could see how faithless I was or how deeply withdrawn I was from God's love. disconnected.


There's a part in the story where Christian and Hopeful are trying to get to the Celestial City. But they find themselves needing to cross a river with no bridge. The magic of the river shallows or deepens according to your Faith in the King
Christian began to sink, and crying out to his good friend Hopeful, he said, I sink in deep waters; the billows go over my head, all his waves go over me! Selah. (Pslam 69.2 save me o God)
But Hopeful said, Be of good cheer, my brother, I feel the bottom, and it is good 

But Christian kept sinking. and Hopeful did everything he could to try to keep his brother's head above the water. Sometimes he would go down and sometimes he would bob back up again, half dead. And Hopeful would try to encourage him, he said 

"Brother, I see the gate, and men standing by to receive us; but Christian would (doubt and) answer, No, It is you, it is you they wait for. "

in the same way, I felt myself myself doubting that God could save me because of how hope and pathetic I was.


I couldn't understand why I felt this way, because although I had my struggles they were nothing compared to those around me.

But during the conference because of my vulnerability God showed me that through my own selfish pain and wandering, he gave me the ability to see from the eyes of my unsaved unsaved brothers and sisters. He showed me my specific ministry.

Before, I gave myself excuses like " Preach the Gospel at all times. Use words if necessary." But I began to realize how much I was lying to myself. Too often I let things like this convince me that I don't need to be as radical as the Bible says I should be. And how could I ever have expected to be able to DO something that could explain and convey the gospel, short of dying and a cross and taking the blame for all the sins of the world.

Staying silent kept me out of practice and made me unable to have casual spiritual conversations with anyone even my friends. In actuality there's preach the Gospel by simply doing, instead we're called to do what we preach.

After praying that God would change my heart for His ideals. I went home and began to find that it was easier to use "Christian" speech with my non christian friends, which led to spiritual conversations where they weren't ready to accept yet but were open to learn more. But we have to realize that until we die or Jesus comes back again. There isn't really ever a solid happy ending.

Even though it seems like the worst of the storm is over for me, and I've learned so much already. It's still not easy. I believe in spiritual warfare now more than ever. Even though my heart knows that God has shown me his faithfulness through all the trials, my body and mind is still stuck in the world making me feel like I'm still sinking under the pressures of my own sin.


But God keeps showing me ways that he is faithful, everyday. Reminding me that He loves me and that He give me the strength to love others because he loved me first.


During the conference we focused on john 17 
 I made known to them your name, and I will continue to make it known, that the love with which you have loved me may be in them, and I in them.