A boy opened a door for me. I smile, thank him, and walk through.

Seconds later, I open the next door for him. He smiles, thanks me, and walks through.

It was beautiful.

I still haven't completely fleshed out my full idea of invitation yet, I'm hoping it'll take shape in my head as I begin to actually see the parts taking shape. But I know I want to do a modular design that involves the japanese symbolism of animals and my own love of plants. I'm thinking about having the modular parts/animals be sort of a puzzle piece bar frame that actually holds the plant, over which I can stretch muslin to fill out the form of the animal. Or possibly having just the frame itself.

The idea is to have these functional plant holders that have symbolic meanings according to each animal that have become important to me over this past year.

The carp represents courage and strength, "because of its ability to swim upstream against the current" The crane symbolizes long life and peace. And the lion means power and authority.


Modular Fish Design

There's something to be said about prayer and human commitment... when you ask for the right things, God really does give you what you ask for.. and more. But I also think that the devil knows that and fights to make you weaker.

Sometimes, during the day. I feel great. But then all of a sudden. At some random moment in time. either in the middle of an event, or when I get home ,or in the middle of a lecture... suddenly it's like the world drops away for a second. And then comes back. But it's like my spirit somehow got lost in that second. And I feel nothing.

*

Sometimes nothing is fine. Sometimes nothing is even good. At least it's better than horrible pain or anger or sorrow. But somehow, nothing is also terrible. Instead of searing pain. It's a cloying senselessness that calcifies you and eats away at your body at the same time.

Nothing, is empty. Empty now and empty tomorrow. Tomorrow either exists to be worse than the nothing, or it doesn't exist at all. Nothing, makes tomorrow seem impossible. You stay awake. Dreading the end of the day, because you know if the next day comes, you have to start all over again.

Nothing, is not seeing the glass half empty. Nor is it simply having an empty cup.  It feels like pouring out of a half empty cup and having the rest of the world expect more even when you tip the cup all the way upside down.

*

Lately, I've been happier. My cup is half full, sometimes it even overflows.... but I feel like it keeps getting smaller. Somehow it's shrinking. It overflows so much, but when the cup is tipped upside down, I pour out less and less every time. I lose fuel faster and faster like a dying battery. Sometimes I worry I'll eventually run out completely. And I won't even be empty, I'll just be nothing.

*

But then, sometimes I wonder if I'm supposed to be nothing. After all, if a clay jar filled with gold cracks. It reveals the gold inside. If my cup disappears, the water that filled it flows out freely...

Sigh... who knows.

These past few semesters God has really been putting me through the fire, my own personal hell it felt like. I lost my identity in Christ. And so He put me in front of a mirror and faced me with myself, showing me who I am without him. (Pslam 69.2 save me o God)  One by one God showed me how unimportant all of my goals were in comparison to His main goal for me.

Last December I went to a missions conference by obligation. I went to help my parents with registration and to visit my sister. I went with an empty mind and an empty heart, I felt stripped.  I felt like no one could could see how faithless I was or how deeply withdrawn I was from God's love. disconnected.


There's a part in the story where Christian and Hopeful are trying to get to the Celestial City. But they find themselves needing to cross a river with no bridge. The magic of the river shallows or deepens according to your Faith in the King
Christian began to sink, and crying out to his good friend Hopeful, he said, I sink in deep waters; the billows go over my head, all his waves go over me! Selah. (Pslam 69.2 save me o God)
But Hopeful said, Be of good cheer, my brother, I feel the bottom, and it is good 

But Christian kept sinking. and Hopeful did everything he could to try to keep his brother's head above the water. Sometimes he would go down and sometimes he would bob back up again, half dead. And Hopeful would try to encourage him, he said 

"Brother, I see the gate, and men standing by to receive us; but Christian would (doubt and) answer, No, It is you, it is you they wait for. "

in the same way, I felt myself myself doubting that God could save me because of how hope and pathetic I was.


I couldn't understand why I felt this way, because although I had my struggles they were nothing compared to those around me.

But during the conference because of my vulnerability God showed me that through my own selfish pain and wandering, he gave me the ability to see from the eyes of my unsaved unsaved brothers and sisters. He showed me my specific ministry.

Before, I gave myself excuses like " Preach the Gospel at all times. Use words if necessary." But I began to realize how much I was lying to myself. Too often I let things like this convince me that I don't need to be as radical as the Bible says I should be. And how could I ever have expected to be able to DO something that could explain and convey the gospel, short of dying and a cross and taking the blame for all the sins of the world.

Staying silent kept me out of practice and made me unable to have casual spiritual conversations with anyone even my friends. In actuality there's preach the Gospel by simply doing, instead we're called to do what we preach.

After praying that God would change my heart for His ideals. I went home and began to find that it was easier to use "Christian" speech with my non christian friends, which led to spiritual conversations where they weren't ready to accept yet but were open to learn more. But we have to realize that until we die or Jesus comes back again. There isn't really ever a solid happy ending.

Even though it seems like the worst of the storm is over for me, and I've learned so much already. It's still not easy. I believe in spiritual warfare now more than ever. Even though my heart knows that God has shown me his faithfulness through all the trials, my body and mind is still stuck in the world making me feel like I'm still sinking under the pressures of my own sin.


But God keeps showing me ways that he is faithful, everyday. Reminding me that He loves me and that He give me the strength to love others because he loved me first.


During the conference we focused on john 17 
 I made known to them your name, and I will continue to make it known, that the love with which you have loved me may be in them, and I in them.

You know that scene in Princess Diaries, where Mia and her mom go rock climbing and talk about things? Well ever since I saw that, I've just had it in my head that someday I'd like to do that. It just looks so calming and cathartic.

Well, I found out it is, but its also completely terrifying. But for some reason, the focus and exertion it requires makes me love doing it.


This was the most challenging wall we tried that day. There's a slight overhang so it relies a lot on upper body strength and slipping off is so much more likely. We were both so, so afraid before we started, we never thought we would even try this wall. I looked on like a proud/worrying mom whenever she was climbing.



This corner was fun, and also the most terrifying thing I did that day. Janel climbed up really well normally. But since I found that I'm actually a lot more afraid of the height/falling than I thought I would be, Our belayer, Matt, suggested having me climb the wall backwards, like a weird spiderman crab walk up the wall. Looking down and being so open like that when I was climbing was so scary, I was shaking and I felt like crying at some points. But getting to the top and dropping down felt so satisfying that I would do it all over again next time I get the chance.


This is me... I'm wearing shorts over my leggings because there's a gigantic hole in the butt...don't mind it. This wall was hard, and I had to really trust in my upper body strength which I'm definitely lacking in. Reaching up to grab the next grip each time was a struggle in itself. Matt and Janel kept calling out encouragement and advice on grips which kept me going.


 This is the beginner wall, Actually no, this isn't THE beginner wall, I forgot to take pictures of that because I was so anxious and worried for Janel and myself that I forgot to. But this is the OTHER beginner wall.

The first thing they teach you is the safety questions.
1) Am I on belay?
*your belayer checks all your gear* "You are on belay"
2) May I climb?
*belayer readies*

Go.


I don't think I look as athletic as Janel when I'm climbing, I think I'm a bit to curvy to look athletic haha.... It could also be the shorts. I need to find some workout leggings...



I plan to go every week. :]  I want to get stronger and be as graceful as the instructors when they climb. My hands are so tired. I have no grip strength.  But I'm proud of us. Really proud. We had a lot of firsts and conquered a lot of fears. We felt God taking care of us and answering all of our worries. As Janel said, "It was a blessed day."