Summer, to me, was always more like a new year than January 1st. The time when everything seems to get its mojo back, when everything resets. But that could also just do with my innate love for the sun. But either way, I 'm finally here. It's been so long since I've been able to really sit down and spend my time writing something that I want to write.

  In school, when I wasn't creating content for a class, I was creating content for other people and extracurriculars. I used to think it was so hard to design content for things I didn't care about, but I think after the last few years of college, it's become almost second nature. It's useful, but it was washing my soul down the drain. My work life was so ingrained in digital media that I actually retreated from it, even though it has always been my favorite medium of expression. I couldn't touch my Instagram, my blog, or my own photography because it just reminded me of all the other work that I should be doing instead of my own. I took to pencil and paper instead, and there's something truly beautiful about that kind of expression. There's a certain possessive nature to writing on a piece of paper that sort of affirms and gives purpose to each mark on the page. But true expression, for me, was always meant to be external. A revelation of sorts, not only for me but to the universe. The feedback responses to our ever constant conversation.

Though the funny thing is that, even though I wasn't able to work on my own content, I was still actively generating it. I was still staging and taking photos and documenting and creating themes and subjects that I wanted to write about. So here I am with all of this raw material just waiting to be dignified with the words I had planned for them.

So, I'm just going to give y'all the breakdown of my hiatus which will probably also inadvertently outline the future posts.

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Jan 2016 ⤔ I broke up with my best friend: I had to realize that no matter how much I loved them, someone who was happier when I didn't succeed, wasn't someone I could keep in my life. 

Jan 2016 ⤔ I broke up with my major: I had to accept that not being a quitter, wasn't worth committing to a future that I knew I didn't want. I decided that I was in control of the life I lived in, and that I needed to take that back, regardless of the consequences.

Apr 2016 ⤔ I was in a pretty bad place, I was afraid of leaving my bed. I decided I needed some help. I got myself into one of the school mental health programs. My therapist was sweet, but I never liked talking about my problems... ironic, I know. That ended pretty fast.

May 2016 ⤔ I found a job at a place that I thought had a lot of potential. They gave me the freedom and opportunities to do and learn so much. I'm honestly so grateful for my time there. I'm still proud of the success they've seen since then. 

Jan 2017 ⤔ I broke up with my boyfriend of 3.5 years. We had a puppy. We were perfect. Neither of us was expecting it. But I see now that it was probably unavoidable. More on that later, if you're curious... it's pretty personal. 

Jan 2017 ⤔ I met someone I knew was toxic. I knew because they were just like the people I just left. It was a weird decision: part gain, part self imparted punishment. I set a time limit on it, but it didn't really work out exactly as planned. I don't think I need to regret anything though.  It was empowering, realizing that I really was in charge of who I kept in my life. 

Feb 2017 ⤔ I took a 3 day trip by myself to New York. I think those were the few real blogs/vlogs I made last year. The angst was real. 

Mar 2017 ⤔ Oddly enough 2 of my best friends also broke up with their S.Os around the same time, and we're all content creators in our own styles. We actually planned a little trip of our own to Montréal. God, I love that place. It was probably one of the happiest times of my life, even though it was FREEZING and we were definitely not prepared for it. But I made use of my two years of French in middle school. [Merci beaucoup, Mme Jackson.]

Mar 2017 ⤔ I found my real friends. So many beautiful people have landed in my life. I will never be able to express to them how grateful I am that they're alive, and I get to know them.Mar 2017 ⤔ I joined a coffee club. And they've given me so much more than good coffee and friendship. I hadn't felt so comfortable with a group of people in a long time.

Apr 2017 ⤔ Oh man, the most complicated series of events happened. I swear it could have been an episode of New Girl or something. But I found myself accidentally in relationship again. It was almost like I woke up in Vegas or something. But we made the decision to give it a try. It was the most logical conversation I'd ever had about a relationship. I almost ended it so many times. But we both kept trying, we both kept learning, and we both keep choosing to stay together. It's been one of the most honest relationships I've ever had, and for that, I'm still grateful.

Apr 2017 ⤔ I started getting help. I went to a psychologist. He diagnosed me with major depression and anxiety and some attention issues. We realized that part of the problem was that I had severely low levels of vitamin D, and that I was allergic to it. He put me on medication, which I am still thankful for.

May 2017 ⤔ My grandma died. It was heartbreaking, but it gave me the opportunity to see my family again. I got to stay with my grandpa and get to know him more. I love him so much. My mother always told me how much I'm like him, but I didn't get to see it until then. My family is so strong, they have so much love, and so much love for me even if the number of times I've met them can be counted on one hand.  

Aug 2017 ⤔ I started the new year with so many changes and responsibilities. Most of the people who I entered college with were already gone, I was head of web media and design for two student orgs, I moved off campus into an apartment with people I barely knew. I finally had to come to terms with the idea that I was really in a new relationship, now that we'd be seeing each other so regularly back in the same city. And I was back into seeing my psychologist. There were definitely a few hiccups and bruises but we got through it.

Dec 2017 ⤔ I headed off to a convention in Cali with my parents and they'd planned to take me on a little road trip afterwards. I was excited, but wary, I'd lost most of my adventurous energy to my anxieties over the years. I went to the convention expecting to try to avoid talking to people for 7 days. Instead I met two wonderful people, and I ended up taking an overnight trip to Joshua Tree with them. A little insane on my part but I mean....not surprising. I really enjoyed my time, but something kind of sad happened.... possibly more on that later as well... again, kind of personal. 

Jan 2018 ⤔ Amongst a lot of other things, I felt like my dating relationship had actually started to hurt my own self esteem and confidence so I actually prepared myself for another breakup. But he actually wanted to try to change things for me. He's really changed a lot, and his personality and encouragement has been supportive and encouraging me to be more self confident. 

Mar 2018 ⤔ My psychologist started me on Vyvanse... which was terrible. I didn't realize it at the time, I thought that the fact that I could finish assignments and remember things was a fair trade-off. But I couldn't sleep most nights and it was making me so anxious and paranoid. There were some nights that I would be crying for hours because I couldn't stop thinking about murders and rapists or hearing the people I love in pain.

April 2018 ⤔ Switched to Adderall XR in really small doses. I honestly think it got me through college. Mental health affects everything, guys. No joke. 

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And now we're here. So much has happened in between but I'll get around to that. I've finished all my work, and I'm looking for the job of my dreams. But I guess I'm also just trying to remember all of the things I used to love doing. Like writing, and designing, and connecting with people. Sometimes it's so easy for me to retreat into my own mind and projects and forget how much I love sharing life with others, whether it's in person or on this blog.
I feel like I haven't been able to really let anyone into my life in a while. It's all just been work and trying to hustle and figure things out. 
But now it's SUMMER. MY SEASON. Time for a little more sun, a little more freedom. I'm back. And I'm going to do everything I've been wanting to do. This is it for now, but I'll be writing more about everything here so stay tuned! <3 missed you.