I remember the dream the same way I remember things that happened last week, or things from my childhood. It was so normal and familiar, filled with so much personal detail that even with the realization that it was a dream, it still a bit hard to separate it from my reality. I was living my life, surrounded with my friends and family, but everything was so grey, hovering on the edge of darkness and threatening to tip me over. It was like some dark personality looked into my heart and found every single little thing that would hurt me. Not the obvious pains and fears, but the smallest most sinister ones, and he stuck each one into me like a needle, just tiny pin pricks, but over and over until I was covered in needles and moving just a little bit would just push them even deeper. 

I struggle with feelings of anxiety sometimes, and they always seemed so unfounded and unreasonable and they were; but I could never really figure out what exactly would make me so anxious to live my life and spend time with the people I love and enjoy. And I realised that I'm terrified of the moments where being surrounded by my friends and family makes me feel even lonelier than when I'm alone. I went through a period where I felt that so strongly, that it made me so selfish and bitter and fearful. So much so that I couldn't find the will to give and love to those that I knew I loved. I hate that part of me and I never want that to be me again. 

So I'm going to try even harder now, to never let that happen again. Even though I'm afraid, even though I'm still terrifyingly selfish. To remember that loneliness is just some dark creature from my dreams trying to keep me from loving the people I love. But it was just a dream, and my loved ones are my reality. And I'll fight for them and fight to be me, because it's the least I could do. To be the me that they fell in love with in the first place.