Today, or I guess...yesterday was one of the hardest days in a while. I opened my eyes in the morning with that same dark thing in my chest that I used to feel. And that was weird. After all, I'm a new person now, or so I thought. I was determined to make it a good day. I got up, early. Did what I needed to get done, took my time getting ready, went to class. I did everything right. But when I got there, for some reason, it all started to crumble. I couldn't hold onto my silver linings, they just kept fading away from me. I couldn't grasp them long enough to understand them.

This whole time I'm just wondering what the hell is wrong with me? Is it the meds? Everything was going so well. So why is it that my heart and mind are saying there's something wrong? It's the feeling of sadness and anger and fear all at the same time. Fear, more fear. A hard anxiety that makes me feel like I need to whimper and groan to release some of the tension in my chest. The day was too bright today, the light too harsh. Everything was sharp steel grey.

I smiled, I laughed. I did everything that I usually do to try to trick myself into having a good day. I went to coffee club. I love coffee club, it's an awkward setting but the people are great. They were so nice, I stayed involved. It should have made me happy. But I walked home with the pit still in my chest, I knew I couldn't stay alone tonight so I did what I always used to, and went to the safehouse downstairs. We talk light, we play games.

Safehouse is the right word for it. I can't think of a safer place, safe from the world; safe from me.
Safe even though every sentence drops off a precipice. Safe even though the dark thing is still inside. I'm safe. I'm so lucky. It helps me remember.

Tonight I'll go to sleep unafraid of waking up. We fight through.